Tuesday, June 20, 2006

i hate myself for trying to deceive mysel that i dun really care
i tot i dun love him as much as i actually do.. but in fact, who am i trying to kid?
i told myself before i left..
choose the lesser of the 2 evils..
he wun be able to wait till i return, he'll surely be able to find someone else behind my back and he'll cheat on me.. i dun wan to hate him for cheating on me.. i dun wan to hate him for being unfaithful..
i left him.. i left him all alone and went to australia. i dun feel good abt it.. but i have already made my decision to go.. i noe he dun want me to go.. i hope i have stayed and not go to australia and be there for him.. i love him.. i dun wnat him to feel upset anymore.. but everything is too late.. i left..
5 weeks have past.. he told me whn i was still there that he was seeing someone else already.. i was hurt.. i was devastated.. i told myself.. the new guy will be able to give him happiness.. i was worried abt him.. he cough.. due to his asthma.. he cough out blood.. i was very worried.. i told him once and again to rmbr to tke his medications regularly.. i tot i was being magnanimous i was being nuts actually
how i can give up someone i love and let someone else take care of him? how can anyone actually be so stupid?
i came back.. i was unable to face e fact that he already have someone else in his life. he tok nothing else to me other thn that person.. one full hour and it's all abt him and him.. i cant imagine this hppning to me..
he told me i'm the one for him. i tot i am e one for him. i love him. and he said he'll always love me. but i guess, when ppl say that they will always love you, they only say tt whn there's no longer any more that can be carried on btw the 2 of you.. i really wanted to carry on.. i put up a false strong front. i told myself.. tke a last look of him..tke a good look at the place where it held so much memory before. i took e look.. and i wanted to cry.. thn the new guy called.. it hurts.. it hurts so much.. he had to go n call the guy.. i have to mke my way.. i hate myself. whn i walk out of the door, i wanted to juz run off to somewhere.. anywhere..
he said "yes" to the guy. they are officially together..
i suddenly feel very lost. i have lost the love of someone i love. i've lost the love of someone who said that i am the one for him. he told me that it's becos i'm upset that he managed to move on earlier thn me..
i hate myself

 D.A.  flew at 12:43 AM